Insta-Hate (Instant Gratification #1) Read online

  I could hear through the door that Evan and Meg were leaving. Evan’s parents had taken the children home with them and they needed to pick them up and get them into bed before it got too late. Doc’s voice was calm, but assertive. “You have to speak with her this week, Megan. This can’t be put off any longer.”

  “I know,” she cried. “I will.”

  Tears streamed down my face as I squeezed the sides of mom’s sink until I thought the marble top might break. Starting the shower so they wouldn’t hear me cry, I undressed and stepped inside, standing there until the water ran cold, until I shivered and Ava’s voice at the door told me it was time to get out.

  “Are you okay, Lexie? You’ve been in there a long time.”

  “Yeah. Almost done.”

  “Okay. Just checking. Everyone’s gone now, except for me and Doc.”

  “Thanks, Ava.” I could hear her fingers slide down the other side of the door.

  “Love you.”

  My heart cracked. “Love you back,” I answered for the first time.

  Her small gasp from the other side of the door told me everything. I should have known before that I loved her. I should have said it. She was my best friend. Hearing those words from me was important—to her and to me.

  That night when Doc left to go home, I hugged him tightly and thanked him for being there with me. He was busy. I knew his client list was crammed full and I knew that he had a life that didn’t revolve around my mental breakdown.

  Ava and I lay in Mom’s bed, facing one another. She tried to smile. “The service was beautiful.”

  “It was.” It truly was. “Thank you for being my best friend in the entire world, Ava.”

  “Thanks for letting me.”

  “The next few weeks are going to be...”

  “Difficult,” she supplied.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ll be here with you.”

  “I know.”

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Spilling the Soul

  Alexandria

  At midnight I slid out of bed, careful not to wake Ava. I couldn’t sleep. I needed an outlet. Firing up my computer, and with its cool glow in my face, I typed. I wrote until dawn, until my fingers cramped and my wrists were sore. It felt cathartic. It felt like home. The most I’d ever written in a day before was ten thousand words. Last night I wrote thirty thousand, seven hundred and twenty-nine.

  “What are you doing up?” Ava said on a yawn, walking into the kitchen.

  “Writing.”

  Her face lit up. “Really?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, but now I’m tired.”

  “Go take a nap.”

  “I need to talk to her.”

  “You need sleep first. Call and see if she can come over this afternoon, then get some rest.”

  Closing my laptop, I took my phone with me, setting an alarm for four hours from now. Noon would be a respectable time. I dialed Meg. “Hello?” Evan answered.

  “Hi Evan. Is Meg awake yet?”

  “Yeah. Hold on just a sec,” he said. I could hear his feet slapping the steps. “Meg?”

  “Yeah?” she said, her voice muffled.

  “It’s Lexie.”

  The phone was shuffled around. “Lexie?”

  “Hey, we need to talk. Can you come to Mom’s this afternoon?”

  I could hear her sniffling. Her voice cracked, but in the end, all she could say was “Yes.”

  ***

  Meg knocked on the door at two thirty-two. Ava had gone for a walk and vowed not to return until Meg’s minivan was gone. I warned her that it might mean a long walk, but she insisted that although I could tell her what I wanted to later, Meg and I needed privacy. And we did. I didn’t know if there would be tears or if we would come to blows, but we were hashing this out. Today.

  Settling on the floral couch together, we sat silently. Megan tucked her dark hair behind her ears and blew out a harsh breath. “You probably hate me for what I’ve done, and I don’t blame you at all. I just need you to know that it was done in love.”

  “Meg, I do not hate you. I couldn’t if I wanted to. And at first, I really wanted to.” Crying in earnest, I told her everything. “I remember what happened that day, on the landing of the staircase. I remember Tally screaming in her crib and Dad’s hand around my throat. And I remember what I screamed at him before you hit him.”

  “Oh, God.” She crumpled, her body wracked with sobs.

  “I don’t hate you, Megan, because I’m so thankful for what you did. Not just for hitting him and saving me, but for giving me time to heal. But what about you? It’s taken its toll on you. You’re worn too thin. You shouldn’t have had to deal with all those secrets alone.”

  “I had Mom,” she cried. “And Evan.”

  “You should have had me.” I scooted across the cushions to hold her.

  “I didn’t want you to remember it. I left you. I left the house and moved in with Evan on the day I turned eighteen. And when I left, part of me knew he would target you, but I couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “It wasn’t your fault he was a sick bastard, and I would have left too, given the opportunity. You can’t blame yourself for wanting to get out of hell, Megan.”

  “But I left you behind to burn.”

  “Did you know that I found Arsen again?”

  Her eyes widened. “What?”

  “At Columbia. He taught the one class I enrolled in. Small world, huh?” I wiped my nose with a tissue.

  “That’s fate, or God, or, oh my goodness, I don’t know what it is, but it’s meant to be, Lexie.”

  “He thinks I’m crazy. When we met again it was at a frat party—don’t ask—but he called me Trinity and was so angry at me. And all this time, I thought he was the insane one. Now that I know, he won’t even respond to me now.”

  “Go to him.”

  “I can’t.”

  She shook her head. “You can if you want him badly enough.”

  I swallowed. The elephant in the room was getting restless. “I want Tally back.”

  Her shoulders crumpled and tears flowed from her eyes, one after another. “I know.”

  “We need to talk to her and let her come to grips with everything.”

  Meg snorted into a tissue. “I know. It’s going to be so hard, and I’m worried about how she’ll respond or if she’ll freak out. And the truth is that I just don’t want to let her go.”

  I sat up straight. “I know it will be hard, but this is what’s right. Tally and I will always be a part of your life, but you have to let me be her mother now. Thank you for taking care of her, Meg, when I couldn’t.”

  She nodded. “You’ll be a good mom, Lexie. You can take care of her now. We just have to move at her pace.”

  “I completely agree.”

  Meg hugged me, sobbing. It would be hard for her. The adjustment would be difficult for everyone, but it was right. I found her. I remembered her for a reason, and I wanted the chance to be her Mom. I just prayed I could be a good one.

  “You have to tell Arsen about her after she’s settled. It’s only fair.”

  It was my turn to honk. “I know.”

  In the end, we agreed to sit down with Natalia and Evan that weekend. Meg texted Evan to ask his parents if they could watch the boys next Saturday afternoon. They agreed.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  The Talk

  Alexandria

  Evan and Megan brought Natalia to my apartment. She’d been there before. All of the kids had, but they usually came together. Maybe it was that fact, or the palpable tension in the air that had Tally’s eyes darting around like a monster was about to jump out from behind the nearest piece of furniture.

  She was older and she was smart, but Tally was still a child. This would be difficult for her to understand, and Meg wanted to be the one to explain everything to her. Evan held Megan’s hand while we all settled into the living room, the three of them on the couch and me in a chair to the side.

&nbs
p; “Tal, you know how Aunt Lexie had problems remembering things?” she started.

  “Yeah. Her head was like a sombie.”

  “Zombie,” Meg corrected. “And sort of, yes. But when she hurt her head really bad, her brain got all mixed up and she forgot a lot of things. She even forgot who she was—her own name.”

  “That’s silly.” Natalia smiled. She looked at me and made a funny face, which I returned, sticking my tongue out to the side and crossing my eyes.

  “Her doctor didn’t know if she would be okay. Did you know that?” Meg asked.

  Natalia shook her head. “I didn’t know that. That’s scary.”

  “It was. And for a long time, Aunt Lexie had to go to doctors and she didn’t know anything. She had to relearn how to tie her shoes.”

  “That’s harsh,” Tally said seriously. “I hate tying my shoes.”

  “Me too,” I teased.

  Meg smiled but continued. “Aunt Lexie had a baby. Did you know that? Right before she hurt her brain, she had a baby girl. But after she got hurt, she couldn’t remember anything and we didn’t know if she would get well enough to take care of the baby.”

  “That’s awful! Where is the baby now?” Tally asked.

  “The baby is growing into quite the big second grader,” Evan supplied, his voice shaking.

  Tally’s eyes widened. “I’m in second grade!”

  Meg smiled. “Natalia, you are Lexie’s daughter. We raised you because we didn’t know if Lex would be able to take care of you, but then something wonderful happened.”

  “What?” Tally said, her eyes never leaving mine.

  “She remembers everything now. She’s all better,” Meg said.

  “But you’re my Mom and Dad,” Tally asserted, watching me cautiously.

  I smiled at my little girl. “They have been amazing parents, Tally. But if it’s okay, I’d like to be your Mom now. I know it’s hard to understand and this will be a difficult change, but I want to try.”

  “Where will I live?” she asked, tears filling her eyes.

  “I’d like you to come and live with me.”

  “Where will I go to school?”

  “There are schools here, or maybe we could move into a house in your school district. Which would you prefer?”

  “A house,” she cried.

  “Okay, we can do that, Tally bug.”

  “Do I have to live here now?” She looked to Meg and Evan and then back to me.

  “That’s up to you. Do you want to stay tonight?”

  She sniffled and looked at Meg and Evan, the only parents she’d ever known, and asked, “Can I come home tonight?”

  They looked at me and I nodded. “Of course. We can take this one step at a time, Tally.”

  Meg and Evan let Tally ask all kinds of questions before they left. Most were innocent and punctuated with sniffles.

  “Who taught you to tie your shoes?”

  “Did you have to learn to subtract again?”

  “Did you forget how to breathe?”

  “Did you forget your favorite color?”

  “Why do you live in the city?”

  “What kind of house will you buy?”

  “What will my new room look like, and can I spend the night next weekend, just for one night?”

  I answered them all honestly and patiently. When Tally quietened and Meg and Evan stood up to leave, I hugged them both tightly and promised to come see her every day.

  Tally hugged my neck. “This is weird,” she whispered.

  “I know, baby girl. But we’ll get through it,” I whispered back.

  I didn’t want to let her go, but it wasn’t about what I wanted. It was about what Tally needed, and she needed to transition, not be jerked from her current home into another. As soon as they left, I called the realtor who helped me buy my apartment, Sarah Davidson.

  “I’d like to sell my apartment and start shopping for houses in Hoboken, please.”

  She was available on Monday and told me to make the place sparkle so she could get pictures for the listing. A quick trip to the store and then my hands were elbow-deep in yellow rubber gloves and a bucket of lemon-scented Pine-Sol. I was ready to make it shine. Ava showed up to help. We scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom together as I told her about the talk with Natalia. I cried because even though I understood that she didn’t want to stay with me yet, I wanted her to so badly.

  I tried to text Arsen again that afternoon. He didn’t reply.

  My finger hovered over his number for several minutes. He had a right to know, and if he wanted to be introduced into Tally’s life, we would have to do that at some point. I hit the button to call him. It rang and rang and then cut off entirely.

  ***

  Sarah was a four foot-eleven spitfire with bright red hair and heels that matched. She marched through my house, rearranging throws and pillows. She brought a beautiful white bowl, filled with plastic but delicious-looking fruit. Snapping pictures of it all, she hummed as she went. When she was finished, she took a deep breath. “This should be an easy sell. How attached are you to your living room furniture?”

  “What? Why?”

  “It’s exquisite. It fits the space and might be a good bargaining chip.”

  “Uh, if it helps sell the place, I’m good with including it with the apartment. The rest goes with me, though.” Especially my desk and chair. And my bed. Gah, the mattress was like heaven. We’d become well-acquainted lately, as I’d spent a lot of time lying in bed, thinking about how in the hell to wade through this shit puddle lightly enough to avoid ripples. Tally didn’t need ripples and neither of us could handle waves, or even splashes, at this point.

  “Great!” Sarah chirped. “Ready to go look at a few listings?”

  “I am.” I grabbed my purse and followed her to where her large, white SUV was parked. Groaning internally, I realized that sooner rather than later, I would need to buy a car.

  Six houses later, I narrowed it down to two. Both were within minutes of Megan’s house and both were in Natalia’s school district. “Can I bring my sister and daughter with me to see them before putting in an offer?”

  Sarah grinned. “Of course!” She pulled out her phone and brought up a calendar. She was organized, like a responsible adult should be. I pulled my own phone out. “Tomorrow evening at six forty-five? I can meet you here.” I added the entry into my phone.

  “Sounds great.”

  She entered the appointment, shook my hand, and drove away. She’d offered to take me home, but I wanted to walk. And I needed to talk to Meg.

  ***

  When I told her about the two homes, Meg cried. Then she drove me to both of them and cried from the driver’s seat. “This is really happening.”

  “I know,” I said, staring at the small home with white siding and black shutters. It was beautiful on the inside – freshly painted, new hardwood floors, and carpeting in the bedrooms. The bathroom was big and had his and her vanities, so Tally could even have her own sink. It was my preference, but I wanted Tally’s input. The fact that there was a playhouse in the back might help persuade her. It was pink and purple with uneven sides.

  “It’s pretty.”

  “She might like the other better,” I answered.

  “She won’t. She’ll take one look at the back yard and never want to leave.”

  Meg’s hair was a rat’s nest, with dark strands tangled and piled on her head. “Let’s get you home. I’ll even wash your hair.”

  “You will?” She looked up hopefully.

  “Yep.”

  Meg loved having her hair washed. I used my nails to massage her scalp and it relaxed her. We would have plenty of time to do that before the bus ran and the trio of trouble came home. The trio that would soon only be a double.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Moving Forward

  Alexandria

  Things moved fast after that. Tally loved the house with the cool back yard, as Meg predicted. I put an offer in on it t
hat day, and after a few pricing haggles, we came to an agreement.

  Three days after my offer on the house was accepted, someone made an offer on my apartment. They wanted the living room furniture and to close as quickly as possible, and they wouldn’t require a loan.

  In the midst of the moving mayhem, I continued to try to reach Arsen. He never answered my calls or texts. One night, while wearing his class ring on my thumb, I picked up a piece of paper and wrote a letter to him.

  Dear Arsen,

  You were right. I am Trinity McGregor. I didn’t know the truth until my mother died and gave me a box that included this. I thought you might want it back. I need to speak with you about an important matter.

  Please call me, Arsen.

  Lex

  I placed his ring in a small mailing box along with the letter and called a courier service. They picked the parcel up and promised to deliver it within the hour and text me proof of its receipt.

  I got the confirmation, but no phone call.

  The movers helped me pack and hauled my things to the new house after the lawyers handed me the keys at settlement. I took Tally shopping for a new bed and everything essential to her bedroom.

  She wanted to leave her room at Meg’s for now. She spent more and more nights with me, but Doc said she was holding on to her life with Evan and Meg and that she needed her bedroom to remain as a comfort—so she’d know it would always be there. It was, in essence, a security blanket. And Evan and Meg were happy to help her any way she needed.

  Meg hosted Thanksgiving and Tally and I made plans to host Christmas dinner. But first, my old agent Margaret called and gave me details for a signing that my publisher, Hardway, was putting together the week before Christmas at a local Barnes and Noble.

  “The signing is between the hours of four and six p.m.,” she asserted.