Insta-Hate (Instant Gratification #1) Read online

  “Of course.”

  “If I’m going to be a part of your life, Arsen, you have to let me in.”

  “I know. I just… it’s so new. I want to take things at Natalia’s pace for now.”

  She smiled. “I understand. Just let me know when she’s comfortable. I want to know all about her! What does she look like?”

  “I have a picture on my phone.” I fished the phone from my pocket and unlocked it with the code when we pulled up to a red light. Thumbing through my pictures, I found Tally and handed the device over to Cynthia.

  “She’s beautiful, Arsen. I bet her mother is stunning.” She didn’t sound happy about that.

  “Thank you. She’s an amazing little girl.”

  “I wish you’d told me sooner,” she admitted, handing my phone back. The light turned green and I drove beneath it.

  “I hope you understand. This whole thing has been difficult for me to wade through.”

  “But that’s just it, Arsen. I want to wade with you. I want to be with you through happy times and trials alike. I want to support you when you go through life. Don’t you feel the same way about me?”

  “Yes.” The word barely escaped.

  “Then let me in,” she said softly, looking away out her window. Silence rode with us the rest of the way to the party.

  Cynthia’s friends were welcoming. The champagne flowed. She smiled and acted happier than we both knew she was. The music was loud and at midnight, we kissed. I’d effectively doused the spark of excitement for the evening on the car ride over. Lex was right. I should have told her sooner. As I drove Cynthia home, I wondered if Tally and Lex watched the ball at Times Square drop at midnight.

  Cynthia didn’t invite me up to her apartment, and I’d never been more relieved.

  ***

  Alexandria

  The afternoon had been difficult. Tally was angry with me. “You chased my dad away! What’s wrong with you? You might not like him, but I do and I live here, too.”

  “I didn’t chase him away, Tally. He had plans.” Not raising my voice was getting difficult. I’m the adult, I repeated in my mind.

  “I want to go to Aunt Meg’s and live!” she shouted. “I hate you!”

  I took a deep breath. “That’s not an option. I’m your mother, and you have no right to be disrespectful to me, Natalia.”

  “I’m calling her. She’ll come and get me and let me live with her.”

  “If you pick the phone up right now because you’re angry and throwing a fit, we will not go to Meg’s tonight for New Year’s.”

  Tally’s eyes narrowed. She picked the handset up off the kitchen counter and began to dial Megan’s number. I took the phone from her and told her to go to her room.

  “Hello?” Meg answered.

  “Hey,” I said, sinking into the chair. “We can’t make it tonight.”

  “Aww. Why not?”

  “Natalia is angry and now she’s grounded for being disrespectful.”

  Meg winced and let out a groan. “Fun times. What about Ava and Jillian?”

  “I could let them come here instead. I don’t want to start the New Year with a fight.”

  Meg yelled for Will to stop jumping on the couch, her voice muffled by something. “I understand, though. You have to take control. She’s going to keep pushing that button until she realizes she can’t.”

  “I’ll miss you.”

  “I’ll miss you, too. Call me tomorrow?”

  I smiled. “I will.”

  “Happy New Year.”

  “Happy New Year,” I told her, hanging up the phone. Tally cried in her room.

  I texted Ava: Change of plans. Can you and Jilly come to my house instead of Meg’s?

  Ava: Do I need to cut her?

  Me: No. Tally’s grounded.

  Ava: Ooh. Poor kid. We’ll be there and we’ll bring pizza and ice cream.

  Me: Junk food for the win.

  Ava: Every time.

  Tucked into the couch in fuzzy pajamas, pillows and blankets, our stomachs stuffed with too much greasy pizza and too many ice cream toppings, we watched Ryan Seacrest host the entertainment before the big event. When the ball did drop, I looked around at my little girl, who was now smiling because I let her stay up and watch it, and my friends, whom I’d missed so much lately. There was only one more thing missing. I fingered my necklace.

  Tu me manques.

  THIRTY-FOUR

  Charity

  Alexandria

  Literary agents didn’t work on New Year’s Day, or at least I assumed they didn’t. So when Margaret’s face appeared on the screen of my phone, I got nervous. “Hello?”

  “I don’t think you should sell this one, Alexandria.”

  “Oh, I thought you liked it?” My stomach dropped like a lead balloon.

  “I love it, but I don’t think you should wait the year and a half or more that traditional publishing will take to produce it. You have an enormous fan base. If you self-published this title, you could test the waters with your own project.”

  Self-publish it. I hadn’t done that in years. I wasn’t sure I remembered how to muddle through all of the sites, but I had figured it out once before...

  Margaret continued, “What about donating a portion of the proceeds as well?”

  A portion? “How about all of them?”

  “All of them?” I could practically hear her eyebrows raise.

  “Yeah. How about all of them?”

  “It’s your money, Alexandria. You make that decision. If you want me to shop it, I will. It’s that good. But every time I think about it, I wonder if you wouldn’t do better by going it solo on this one. I think this is a unique opportunity for you.”

  “If I did this, I’d want to go big with it. Do you know any event planners, by any chance?”

  She coughed and then I heard paper rattling. “I do. Got a pen handy?”

  “I do.”

  ***

  The event planner Nigel Leon pulled off the unthinkable, and in only six weeks. Tonight, a charity book ball would be held to raise money for Heart Clouds. A volunteer group that was growing leaps and bounds and expanding its reach to hospitals, clinics, mental health facilities, schools, and churches, Heart Clouds helped at-risk youth develop positive relationships, work through troubles at home, and provided positive role models and goals to kids who had nothing. They even helped older teens with job placement and worked with local organizations to feed and clothe thousands in the area, as well. Doc volunteered a few hours of his time on weekends to speak with some of the kids that Heart Clouds felt needed it the most. I didn’t know how he did everything: run a business, volunteer, and consult with Arsen. I knew he was a widower, but he never spoke about himself or his life outside the walls of his office. I approached him (ambushed is probably the more correct term) one morning about the charity and he gave me the name and phone number of the Chairperson. “Why do you volunteer?” I asked him.

  “You’re asking the wrong question. I have the time and knowledge; why wouldn’t I volunteer?”

  Tally went back to school in early January. While she was there, I spent time on book edits; my editor and I polishing the manuscript hopefully to perfection. Within four weeks, I had paperback copies in my hand. Boxes upon boxes showed up on my doorstep and those suckers were heavy, but one by one, I hefted them inside. I hoped Margaret was right and that people would love the story. So much of us was in it, because a person’s life didn’t only impact that person, it impacted the lives of those they loved.

  Arsen came to dinner on Wednesday evenings and spent Saturdays with Natalia. Sometimes he brought breakfast on Sunday mornings, too. When he would leave our home, his absence was something Tally and I both noticed.

  “When is Arsen coming back?” she would ask. “He is coming back, right?” I’d remind her of the weekend and she would go back to painting or playing.

  My relationship with him was stilted. We made small talk, but as soon as he show
ed up or after we ate dinner, I made myself scarce to give him time with Natalia. He helped her with homework or they worked on one of their junk revival projects. Life became a routine, normal and safe, though at times monotonous.

  Tonight, Arsen and Cynthia would be attending the book ball. Natalia was sleeping over at Meg’s and she’d been excited all day. They were going to make s’mores in the microwave. I didn’t even know that was possible, but Meg was magic (and a Pinterest fanatic). Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

  Ava and Jillian were also invited to the event. I had to get there early, so I would meet them at the venue. My books had been picked up from my home and delivered safely to Nigel, who arranged for everything related to the event: the invitations, social media blasts, advertising, décor, food and drinks, the DJ, volunteers from the charity itself. He was a miracle worker and I couldn’t thank Margaret enough for introducing me to him. The plan for the evening? Dinner and dancing. I would sign books for as long as anyone was interested. Tickets to the ball weren’t expensive at all. It was important to me that any reader who wanted to attend could do so, but invitations were sent to some influential people, both from the city and around the world.

  Staring into the mirror, I tried to calm down. Events always made me nervous, and there was so much at stake with this one. My dress was floor-length, black taffeta; simple but elegant. I curled my hair into loose curls and applied red lipstick. With ballet flats on my happy feet and a clutch in my hand, I walked outside where the cab I’d called for was idling. Normally I would drive myself, but parking was limited.

  Nigel was more than a miracle worker; he was a magician. He took a simple ballroom and transformed it into something enchanting. Deep blue fabric tented from the ceiling to run down the walls, and twinkle lights were strung around tables and trees. I gasped at the sight of it, drawing his attention. “Oh!” He rushed toward me, placing an air kiss on each cheek. “Tell me it’s what you envisioned.”

  “It’s so much more, Nigel. This is amazing.”

  Each table had deep blue cloths and a simple white calla lily in a vase. A dance floor was set up on the far side of the room and the DJ gave us both the thumbs up. To the side was a table with neat stacks of books. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it would look like a tornado hit it in a little while. I wasn’t the most organized person.

  Nigel checked his watch as the DJ played some soft classical music. “Guests are lining up in the lobby. Volunteers from Heart Clouds will be accepting the tickets and invitations at the door. You stay near your books. I’ll handle the rest.”

  Within the hour, the room was full. Not only was the event catered and the food delicious, some children and volunteers from Heart Clouds were on hand to help. Older teens refilled water glasses while younger children helped distribute dessert.

  I was signing books like crazy. An incredible number of readers had responded from my social media blasts. It was humbling and an overwhelming feeling of happiness washed over me, until he walked in. With her.

  I glanced up, handing the book to Mary Silver from the West Side. She smiled and asked to take a selfie with me, so I stood up and smiled as the flash seared my corneas and blinded me for a moment. That was the first time blindness seemed appealing, because watching Arsen with Cynthia was going to be hard.

  Her dress was the color of fresh beets and it clung to her like a second skin. She was lovely, with dark hair, braided and pinned perfectly into place. When Arsen’s eyes found mine, I looked away. There was still a long line of people waiting for books. After seeing the happy couple, I kept my head down; signing, smiling, and spending time with my readers. That was what I was there for, after all.

  “I think it’s awesome that you’re donating all proceeds to Heart Clouds,” came a familiar voice.

  “Jillian!”

  “Hey, girl!” She hugged me, rocking back and forth. “You didn’t think I’d miss this, did you? I’m your biggest fan.”

  “Sorry we’re late. We had an incident.” Ava rushed in for a hug.

  “What sort of incident?” I asked, worried for them.

  Ava waved it off. “Just a dress snafu. It’s taken care of.” They looked like twins in little black sequin dresses. “You both look amazing.”

  “Thanks,” they chirped in unison.

  Ava stared at the woman clearing her throat behind her. “Sorry! So sorry. We’ll hang out in a little while, after,” she added, motioning with her finger toward the dwindling pile of books.

  “Sounds good,” I said, smiling at the throat clearer as she stepped forward.

  Another hour and I was out of books. Every copy had been sold, which disappointed a few who were waiting in line. But then Margaret showed up and helped masterfully, taking their names and addresses, promising to mail books as soon as a new shipment arrived. “Thank you,” I breathed as she tucked her phone into her purse.

  “It was no problem at all. This-” she said, looking around, “I’ve never seen an event like it, and it seems to be a roaring success. Congratulations.”

  “I hope the charity benefits from it.”

  “They are. A local businessman just issued a check for one hundred thousand dollars.”

  My mouth gaped open. “Who was it?”

  “It was that internet dating mogul, Arsen Daniel.”

  Shit. Now I couldn’t keep avoiding him. My books were gone and he’d donated so much money. “I need to thank him. And thank you again for helping.”

  “You’re most welcome, Alexandria.” Awkwardly, she semi-hugged me, patting me at the same time she kept her distance. It made me tear up a little.

  ***

  Arsen

  All her books were gone. She stood near the table, talking to an older woman. I watched her all night and hated myself for it. Cynthia was shocked at the amount of my donation, but the donation was in memory of Trinity, for the young woman I loved and lost. It was also for Alexandria, the phoenix who rose from the ashes of hell itself and came out a beautiful person, inside and out.

  Cynthia wanted to dance, so while Frank Sinatra crooned, we swayed around the dance floor. “You should go to her, Arsen.”

  My feet stilled. “What? Who?”

  She tried to smile, but it slipped away immediately. “I can’t compete with this; with her.”

  “If this is about Natalia, I’m sorry, but I have to put her first right now.” I couldn’t even look at her. “I think you’ll meet her soon. Her birthday is in just a few months.”

  She moved my chin down toward her face and my eyes finally followed. “It’s not about your child, Arsen. It’s about Alexandria. You look at her like she’s the only thing you want in this world and everything you can’t have. I can’t compete with an emotion that strong. As much as I love you as a person and a friend,” she enunciated, “we have to end this. Tonight has been a wonderful farewell.” Tears welled in her eyes. “Things have been ‘off’ for a while, and I’m guessing they got off track when Alexandria came back into your life. It’s better that we stop seeing each other now, before someone gets hurt.”

  The only thing I could offer her besides the silk handkerchief from my suit was an apology. “I’m sorry.” I truly was, but I wouldn’t lie to her or myself anymore.

  She smiled through her tears. “Do I get a refund?”

  I hugged her and walked her outside to the curb, where a cab was already parked and waiting. “Call me when you get home?” I asked.

  “I’ll text.”

  I can breathe. As I walked back into the event, I could finally breathe. Rubbing my hand over my stubble, I looked up at the sky, searching for help, inspiration, or anything that would give me the words Lex needed to hear.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  A Night to Remember

  Alexandria

  Arsen and Cynthia must have left. Was it weird to feel sad and relieved at the same time? There would be no awkward, ‘Hey, thanks for the check! You look mouth-watering in your tux and I want to stab yo
ur girlfriend’s pretty brown eyes out with a toothpick. Catch you later!’ Nope. None of that.

  But it was go time, and I was worried I might vomit all over the nice people who decided to show up tonight. I walked up two stairs to the platform and took the microphone, flipping the small switch from off to on. “May I have a moment of your time, please?” The crowd became quiet. All eyes were on me. The crowd, dressed in everything from jeans and dress shirts to ball gowns, glittered beneath the twinkle lights.

  “Thank you for coming tonight. I appreciate and love each and every one of you. For opening your hearts, your minds...”

  “And our wallets!” someone shouted.

  I smiled. “And your wallets, for such an amazing cause. I’ve seen the work that Heart Clouds does with children. I’ve seen the amazing love from the volunteers, and tonight you got a very tiny peek at their hearts as well. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives, and please know that I’ll be forever grateful.” My voice cracked, indicating that it was time to stop talking.

  The crowd applauded and a strong hand appeared from the shadows to help me down the stage steps. “Arsen? I thought you left.”

  “I’ve been chasing you since high school. What in the world would make you think I’d stop now?”

  One word: “Cynthia.”

  He swallowed. “Cynthia isn’t a factor anymore.”

  “As of when?”

  “As of now.” His dark blue eyes flashed.

  “Why? What happened?”

  “She knew. I don’t know how she saw it… I tried so hard to hide it from her.” He caressed my cheek with his thumb. “Hell, I tried to hide it from myself.”

  “What did she know? What were you hiding?”

  “The fact that I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I always will.”

  “I thought you hated me.”

  He smiled. “I hated that I loved you. For so long, I hated myself for loving Lex when I should have loved Trinity. You’re the same person, but I love you, Alexandria. I love the person you’ve become, the mother you are to our daughter, and if you’ll let me in, I swear I’ll never let you out of my sight again.”