Insta-Hate (Instant Gratification #1) Read online

  “You’re working.”

  “I don’t care. Please call me.”

  She sounded like the feeling in her gut was as bad as the feeling in mine. “Okay.”

  “Love you, Lexie.”

  “I’ll call you. Bye.”

  “Bye,” she said. I hit the red button to end the call and pulled into a parking space near the front door. There were only a half dozen cars in the wide parking lot, but it seemed nice. The lot was blacktopped and the spaces were freshly outlined in bright yellow and blue. I grabbed my purse and keys and stepped out of the car. My heart wanted two things simultaneously. It wanted to run into the building and interrogate the hell out of an old man I likely wouldn’t recognize, and it wanted to run the hell back to New York. It was the same torn feeling I had about Mom.

  I locked the car doors with the fob, making the horn honk and terrifying the hell out of me in the process.

  “Jumpy?” a kind voice said from behind.

  I turned to find a guy around my own age standing behind me, smirking and wearing bright yellow scrubs.

  Following my eyes, he sighed. “The color is unfortunate. Are you here to visit someone? I’ve never seen you here before.” My eyes searched for a name tag. “Grayson,” he offered.

  “Hi Grayson. I was hoping to visit a Mr. McGregor. Is he still here?”

  Grayson groaned. “He is. He’s a grouch, though. Are you sure you’re here for him? You seem nice enough.” I wouldn’t count on that, Grayson. “Come on. I’ll take you to see him. He can’t speak well. He had a stroke several years ago.”

  “Thanks,” I said, my voice quivering. He had a stroke? Maybe this wasn’t my dad. Maybe this was his brother or a cousin. The article kept flashing through my mind. It was printed on paper, not cut from newspaper print.

  Grayson opened and held the door for me before leading me down a brightly lit hallway. The walls were painted a soft yellow and everything here looked like the sun had vomited on it. It smelled clean, like lemon disinfectant and freshly dried laundry.

  “He’s there, one-oh-three.” Grayson pointed to a door at the end of the hall and I nodded.

  “Thank you for showing me the way.”

  Meg took that moment to text me: Mom is fine.

  Me: Is Dad alive?

  Meg: Why would you ask that?

  My cell phone ring tone blared from my pocket and Meg’s face filled my screen. I hit the green button but didn’t bother with a greeting. I just waited.

  “Why would you ask such a thing?”

  “Um, because the neighbor said he’s at a nursing home in town.”

  “He’s dead.” She was adamant.

  “Well I’m standing outside his door, and if the man behind it is alive, I call bullshit.”

  Meg was silent, but I could hear her rapid breathing. “Call Mom right now. Don’t go in there.”

  “Mom is a liar. Why would I call her? And you know what? You’re a liar, too! Why am I even talking to you?”

  “Don’t!” she shouted frantically. “Don’t! Lexie, please! He’s—”

  Fuck the lies. I shoved the phone in my pocket and eased the wooden door open. A television was on, turned down low so the people on it were talking softly. There were no other sounds. I eased around the bathroom and saw an older man lying in the bed. His chest rose and fell. His eyes were closed. His hair was thin and gray. He snored lightly, his cheeks inflating with each exhale.

  I swallowed and eased closer. The sole of my shoe scuffed the polished tile and made a loud squeak. I stopped in place, but the damage had been done. Green eyes, as green as grass in spring time, stared back at me. Holy fuck. Those eyes. It was my dad. I remembered his eyes. I remembered that he was a machinist, and the grease that perpetually stained the cracks in his hands no matter how much he washed them. I remembered his booming voice echoing through the house and the sound of the back of his hand against Mom’s cheek.

  He sat up and stared at me, trying to say something, but it was unintelligible.

  I remembered...

  Natalia screamed from her crib. She was always starving when she woke from her nap and I ran downstairs to make a bottle. I’d been awake all night because she still had her nights and days confused, even at five months. She would figure it out in time, Mom said. Jogging back up the steps, I pushed my door open and saw him. Dad held her in his arms, cooing at her, glaring at me with warning.

  “She just needs her grandpa. Don’t you, sweet girl?”

  “Put. Her. Down.”

  “Aww,” he said, bouncing her up and down as she chewed her fingers. “Mommy’s been keeping you from me. Hasn’t she?”

  Mom would be home in a few minutes. She was bringing dinner, a sure-fire way to get him out of my room if there was one. Meg was visiting and needed to run to the ATM. They’d be here in a minute.

  “Give her to me. I need to feed her.”

  “She’s fine,” he asserted.

  “She’s really hungry, and I need to change her clothes. She spit up all over them earlier.”

  “That boy came over again. I told you I didn’t want him coming around here anymore.”

  My grip on the plastic bottle tightened. “He’s her father. He has every right to see her.”

  “The hell he does!” Dad screamed, spittle flying onto my knuckles. “This is my house!”

  Natalia screamed, her face turning red, and she reached for me. I stepped forward to take her, but he stopped me.

  “You tell him to get lost. He isn’t the father. He isn’t anything but trouble. Boys just want one thing.”

  I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or pure stupidity, but Arsen was innocent in all of this and he had every right to see Natalia. I’d never keep her from him. “I think it’s time we found our own place.”

  “The fuck you will,” he growled.

  Natalia began to cry louder.

  “Don’t hurt her!”

  His green eyes flashed with anger as he sat Tally back down in her crib. I eased closer, but he stood between me and her. It was a game. He wanted to assert his power, but I was fucking done.

  “Move! She needs me.”

  “She needs to be rid of you. She’d be better off without you, and she doesn’t need that boy around her, either.”

  “That boy has a name. His name is Arsen and he is her father. He will have a role in her life as long as he wants to, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that.” Before I could finish the sentence his hand was around my neck, pushing me out of my room and onto the top of the landing.

  I struggled, trying to breathe, trying to pry his hand away, and trying to get to Natalia. Tears burned my eyes.

  “You gonna cry? Hmm?” he teased.

  My head hit the wall behind me. The impact made my jaw snap closed, but not before taking off a small chunk of tongue with it. Coppery blood filled my mouth. “You tell him not to come around or I’ll take care of him myself.” He released me and slammed me back into the wall again.

  With blood coating my teeth, I smiled. “Fuck you.”

  He drew his fist back.

  But I beat him to the punch. “You’re just upset that Natalia has his eyes instead of yours. You should be glad Mom doesn’t know.”

  “Mom doesn’t know what?” Mom said from the bedroom beside us. They’d come home while we were fighting. Meg came out from behind her, her eyes welling up with tears.

  “You too?” I asked.

  She didn’t acknowledge my question, but her lips curled up in disgust. Dad released my neck and stepped away from me, smoothing his shirt. “Crazy fucking kids. This one needs to leave. Take the brat and get out,” he said to me, stepping to the other wall.

  Mom shook her head. “What did you do?” she asked in a quivering voice.

  Dad’s face turned red and he started toward Mom, but I stood between them. No one, not even me, saw Meg until she hit us. Dad took the brunt of the hit to his ribs. She’d blasted him like a linebacker takes out a qu
arterback. Dad lost his balance on the top step and his arms wavered, trying to keep him upright, but he started to fall.

  Dad was a coward. If he was going down, so was someone else. He grabbed my wrist and tugged me down with him.

  TWENTY

  Frailty

  Alexandria

  The scent of urine filled the air as he floundered in his bed. The left side of his face and body were damaged, hanging limply compared to the right. Tears filled my eyes, spilling over onto my cheeks.

  “Didn’t expect a visitor today, Dad?” I smiled, my lips wobbling.

  He reached for a remote on his bed and hit the red call button. I grabbed the closest thing I could find, a glass vase with a faded, plastic yellow flower in it and threw it at the wall above his head. It shattered on impact, spreading shards of clear glass over the tile floor between us. “You bastard!”

  Grayson, the guy who’d let me in, burst through the door. “What happened?” His eyes darted between me, Dad, and the floor.

  “My first thought was to kill you,” I said quietly. Dad looked at me with fearful eyes, his jowls flapping as he trembled. “But I see now that this punishment – you stuck inside your own body – this is much worse than death. I’ll let you live.”

  Dad hollered unintelligibly, flopping on the mattress so violently that Grayson rushed to his side. Pointing at the door, the kind young man yelled, “Out. Get out! You’re upsetting him.”

  I just smiled, fixing my eyes on the furious green ones that stared over Grayson’s shoulder. “Good.”

  Spinning on my heel, I walked out the door and sprinted down the hallway to the main entrance. I shrieked as I fumbled with the key fob. “Stupid fucking car!”

  Ava was already calling. I held the phone to my head, which was pounding now. “Are you okay? What happened? Meg is calling me. She’s freaking out. Something happened with your mom.”

  “What in the fuck? What in the actual fuck? What’s wrong with her? She was fine!”

  “Oh gosh, sweetie. Um, sit down. Sit. Now.”

  I finally hit the unlock button with the use of the tiny pictures that sane, normal people used. The car’s seat was warm against my bottom and back. I sank into it, melted into a puddle of anger, and cried. Ava told me what had happened with mom. “She took a turn for the worse. She’s in the hospital and they’re doing all they can to make her comfortable, but they’re fairly sure this is the end. I’m so sorry, Lexie.” I sobbed and Ava listened. For half an hour she cried along with me, and she didn’t even know why we were crying. Then I started pounding the steering wheel with the heel of my palm and screaming until my voice was hoarse and raw. When I was too tired and falling apart at the seams, I finally said, “I’m coming home.”

  “Can you change your flight?”

  “Fuck the flight. I’m driving.”

  “Oh, no. You’re too upset. Be careful. I’m calling Doc. You need Doc.” I could hear her shuffling something around. I hung up the phone.

  ***

  The GPS guided me north and despite the tears, I drove just fine. I couldn’t stop trembling. Even my toes, my hair. Everything shook uncontrollably. I fumbled through the satellite radio stations until I couldn’t stand the noise and chatter, at which time I slammed the heel of my palm into the button, breaking it off the dash.

  It was a miracle I didn’t kill someone or myself. Ninety miles per hour down the interstate felt like it wasn’t nearly fast enough. My phone rang and buzzed and beeped incessantly, rattling around in the cup holder. The sun was setting but it was still hot, and when the windows eased down into the door, I let the wind dry my face and shirt.

  Natalia. She was mine. Would she want me, or would she want Meg? Would Meg fight me over her? I didn’t want to tear their family apart, but Tally was my daughter. I wanted to be her mother.

  What if she didn’t want to leave and clung to Meg for dear life? Would she want to live in the city? We could move. How would the boys react? And what about Evan? How was Mom?

  I looked at my phone. Call after call from both Meg and Ava...and Doc.

  I called him back first, hitting the speakerphone button.

  “Alexandria?”

  “Don’t you mean Trinity?” I growled, laughing hysterically and swiping my nose again.

  “I called your sister, not to pry, but I needed to know what was going on. She told me everything.”

  “It’s okay. It’ll probably end up on a tabloid at some point. No one’s skeletons stay in their closets, right Doc?”

  “Where are you?”

  “Driving.”

  “It’s dark.”

  “Very observant, Doc.”

  “You aren’t in any shape to drive, Alexandria. Can you pull over?”

  “Nope.”

  “This is dangerous. You are putting yourself in danger. I know about Natalia. We need to speak about her, but I can’t help you if the authorities have to scrape you off of the pavement, Alexandria. Pull. Over.”

  An interstate sign, bright green, appeared in my headlights just ahead. “Two miles. I can exit in two miles.”

  “Fair enough. I’ll wait. And if you want to talk, I will listen.”

  I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want him to fucking listen. I wanted to turn around in the median, drive back to North Carolina, and ram my car straight through the bright, sunshiny nursing home. Fuck the yellow. Chirpy, fucking happy color. I hope he drowned in that shit. Or in his own shit. I didn’t care.

  “He’s alive.”

  “He suffered a stroke from the fall down the stairs.”

  He deserved so much worse.

  “Meg is concerned about you.” Meg is concerned because the future isn’t certain. It can’t be planned to within a degree of its life.

  “Is she going to fight me for Tally?”

  He sighed. “I don’t know, but she can’t stop crying long enough for me to ask her very many questions. Are you at the exit?”

  It appeared to the right just ahead. I eased the car onto the exit ramp, slowed until I stopped at the end, and then pulled into a gas station parking lot. “I’m in a parking lot.”

  “What town and state?”

  “I don’t know.” Pennsylvania, maybe? There were no signs that said what state you were in. None that I could see.

  “Listen to me, Alexandria. Go inside and ask. I need to know where you are. Have them write the address down.”

  I gripped my phone and the keys like a life preserver and walked inside the store. My eyes stung from all the tears and I scared the clerk half to death. She kept staring at me while I hiccupped violently, tears streaming down my face. “I need the address to this store, please.”

  “Sure, sweetie.” She fumbled around, searching beneath the counter. “Let me find something to write on and with.” She was in her forties, with deep wrinkles on her forehead and around her mouth and eyes, but those eyes were kind; warm brown and non-judgmental. “Whatever it is, sweetie, you can get through it.”

  I let out a high-pitched laugh. “I hope you’re right.”

  She leaned in close with pen and paper, scratching the name and address of the store. “I have a gun. If you need me to go outside with you, I will.”

  “It’s nothing like that, but I appreciate the offer for backup.”

  She umhmmed and handed the torn paper to me. I blubbered a thank you and took it, the phone, and my keys back to my car. Trying to compose myself, I took deep breaths. I snapped a picture of the paper and texted it to Doc.

  “You’ve made it a long way in a very short time.”

  I laughed. “I know.”

  “I’d like to come and meet you at the gas station.”

  “Doc, no. I can drive. I’m okay.” For the first time since leaving that damn town behind me, I felt okay. I felt cut open and raw, but not like I was driving on the Autobahn anymore.

  “Is Mom okay, Doc?”

  “She’s stable, but you should know that her condition isn’t going to improve
now. It’s likely she won’t be able to hold on much longer.”

  I swallowed that truth down. “I’m coming home.”

  “Then I’m staying on the line with you.”

  “It’ll take hours, Doc.”

  “Then I’ll be here for hours. You aren’t alone, Alexandria.”

  Why did I feel more alone and lost than I ever had? What would Arsen say about Tally? He had every right to know her. Did he already know about her? Is that why he couldn’t let go of Trinity’s memory? Would he want to be a father? Was it too late? If he knew the truth, all of it, what would he think of me?

  “Does Evan know about Meg? About our father?”

  Doc was silent for a beat. “He does.”

  “He doesn’t look at her differently?”

  “From our prior conversations and how you’ve described their relationship, I believe Evan loves Meg. If you’re asking about yourself as well, I believe that you can find that same kind of love one day. But I think you have to set your life in order first.”

  “Natalia... Doc, I want her back.”

  “Then we’ll work on that. But first we’ll need to turn our attention to your mother.”

  I’d be helping to plan a funeral; my mom’s funeral. I just hoped she held on until I got there. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know. Until the day of the accident, she did not know what was going on. She worked night shift at a factory. Third shift paid more, and like every other blue collar family in America, the bills almost exceeded the family’s income. She had no idea. I could see the horror in her eyes; the way her mouth fell open and she shook her head in disbelief. Mom wasn’t acting. Mom truly didn’t know.

  And Meg... In her eyes, I saw guilt. Millions of times, she’d looked at me and until now, I didn’t recognize what I was seeing in her. Sadness. Guilt. Distress. Anguish. It all melted together until Meg melted with it.

  And it wasn’t her fault either. It was his.

  “Ava keeps calling me.” My phone began to buzz incessantly. Nerves frazzled, I just wanted to chuck the plastic rectangle out the window, but Doc was being so nice.

  “Do you want me to message her that you’re okay?”